Giving and Receiving

In Japanese culture, giving and receiving gifts plays a big role in social interactions. It is a way to show respect, gratitude and kindness. Exchanging gifts in Japan isn't just about the physical item but also the meaning behind the act of giving and to show care and appreciation for one another.

There are two different ways of saying "to give", depending on the one who is doing the act of giving or receiving but it is not as complicated to learn as it may sound.

It is very important to note that these can only be used on the assumption that the receiver will feel happy about what is being given to them. For example, if you wanted to say "My employer gave me too much work" or "I will give them extra paperwork", you cannot use these words since neither of these statements are likely to result in any kind of happiness (or will they?).

Since this lesson might be too long for some people, the following list is a basic level of meaning of "to give" and "to receive". Of course, there is more meaning to these words than just these three points. Keep reading the rest of the lesson to know more.

• Use あげる when you (or someone else) gives to or does something for someone else. This is on the assumption that they will feel grateful and happy.

• Use くれる when someone else gives to or does something for you (or someone else within your social circle that involves you). This is when you yourself feel grateful and happy.

• Use もらう on the assumption that the receiver will feel grateful and happy. The only exception is that you do not use it when you are the one giving to or doing a favour for someone else ("from me").

Understanding when to use あげる and くれる

Before we start looking at the grammatical parts of using these words, let's get an understanding of the concept of social circles.

Sometimes, you are neither the giver or receiver but you will still have some kind of relation from another viewpoint.

There are two different viewpoints, those inside your social circle (うち) and those outside of your social circle (そと). In the following diagram:

• Person A is in their own personal circle and outside of this circle is Person B, C and D
• Person A and B are both part of the same inner circle and outside of this circle is Person C and D.

In the rest of this lesson, Person A marks You (the speaker) and those inside your inner circle are marked by Person B. For example, you are part of your own family so you might think of Person B as being your Father and those outside your family circle are not part of it (strangers, friends, employer and so on).

In summary, your personal circle is your very own personal space that belongs only to you; and your inner circle (うち) refers to your group of friends, family, colleagues or acquaintances and such that you yourself are a part of, also known as a Social Circle. Everyone else that isn't related is outside of these circles.

There is no specific rule that defines who belongs where as it depends on the situation and people involved but know that the speaker (whether that is you or someone else) is always at the very centre and everyone else is in their own circle based on their own relational points of view.

Generally, those in your inner circle are people you are the closest with in a given situation. For example, your family are closer to you than your friends, neighbours, teachers etc. so your family becomes the inner circle. In school, the teacher is closest to his or her students in their own classroom than the students of another classroom and students in the same school are closer than students from another and so on.

One of the easiest ways to know who belongs to your inner circle is whenever you might use the word "my", for example: "I gave my students sweets" or "Our neighbour gave my family some gifts".

— Overview of あげる

If the act of giving or doing something for someone else goes outside of your own personal circle, you must use あげる. This is presented by Person A within its own circle in the diagram shown above with the green arrows pointing outwards.

Notice that when someone else is giving or doing something, it goes outwards to other people but never inwards to you (Person A). If your mother (Person B) were to give something, it would only go outwards to other people who are outside of your own family circle (Person C) but not inwards to you. In other words, you (Person A) was not given anything.

Also, あげる is always used when talking about other people outside your own personal circle giving something to each other from the same circle, for example:

1. Person C gave something to Person D or vice versa.
2. Person B¹ gave something to Person B² or vice versa.

For example, you should use あげる when talking about your father (Person B¹) giving something to your mother (Person B²). However, while both your father and your mother are part of the same inner circle, you cannot use あげる when they give something to you (Person A) because they are outside of your personal circle. Instead, くれる should be used.

— Overview of くれる

If the act of giving or doing something enters your circle from the outside, you must use くれる. This is presented by the blue arrows in the diagram above.

For example, くれる should be used if someone from your inner circle (Person B) gives or does something for you (Person A). Similarly, this also applies to those that are outside of your inner circle (Person C and D) giving to those inside including yourself (Person A and B).

You may also use くれる when someone inside your inner circle gives or does something for other people but it must also include you (Person A).

Please note that you must use あげる when talking about other people outside your own personal circle giving something to each other from the same circle that does not include you (Person A).

Using あげる

The verb あげる must be used when you are giving something or doing something for someone else. The kanji character 上 that this verb uses means "above; up; rise" and reflects that of the giving of something or doing something "going up" from both the giver's and speaker's point of view to other people.

The most basic structure of this grammar is as follows:

As you can see, this grammar is very simple. Also, because it's obvious that we are talking about ourselves giving something to someone else, there is no need to include 私が unless it needs clarifying. This is the same if the receiver (ゆたさんに) is already known by context.

It is important to remember that あげる refers to the giving or doing of something for someone else other than the speaker. For example:

1. 先生がみんなにお菓子をあげた

   sensei ga minna ni okashi o ageta

   The teacher gave sweets to everyone (but not me)

While the teacher is the one doing the giving, you are still the speaker and for that reason, the teacher must be giving sweets to your classmates but not to you.

Also, the speaker (you) is seeing it from the teacher's point of view as giving sweets to their own inner circle (their students). Think of it like "the giving" goes outwards or away from both the speaker and the one doing the act of giving.

After all, you might not even be a classmate but referring to something you saw on TV or you have some other observational role in some other situation. If talking about your own child, then you cannot use あげた since your child is part of your inner circle (うち) and the teacher who is not part of your family (そと) is giving outwards, not inwards. Otherwise, you'll need to use くれた, instead.

From the teacher's point of view (Person B¹), they あげた (gave) sweets to everyone inside their own inner circle, the students (Person B²).

Since you are the speaker (Person A) and あげた (gave) expresses that the giving goes outwards, the teacher only gave sweets to their students but not you.

If you wanted to say that you were also given sweets then you will need to use くれた (gave) to express that the teacher (Person B¹) gave sweets to you (Person A) and your classmates (Person B²).

So far, we have only seen you as the speaker but let us finish this section off by looking at an example where someone else is the speaker instead. The following example is taken from a Pokemon game that takes place when Misty, the Gym Leader, presents the player with a badge for winning:

Here, you are now the listener and receiver (Person C) outside of both the speaker's personal and inner circle. Misty is now the speaker (Person A) and it is viewed from her point of view, not yours and since the act of giving the "Blue Badge" goes outwards, Misty uses あげる to express this.

※ The final example sentences was taken from the game ポケットモンスター Let's Go! (Pokemon Let's Go!).

Using くれる

The verb くれる must be used when someone else is giving something or doing something for you. This time, the speaker's point of view is from the receiver's side where the act of giving "goes down" to other people inside the speaker's inner or personal circle.

The structure of this grammar is the same as before but with the change of perspective:

Like before, since it's obvious that we are talking about ourselves there is no need to include 私に unless it really needs to be clarified. The same goes for the giver if it is already known by context.

It is important to remember that くれる is only used when someone else is giving or doing something for the speaker or to anyone else in the speaker's inner circle from the outside. For example:

1. 先生がみんなにお菓子をくれた

   sensei ga minna ni okashi o kureta

   The teacher gave sweets to everyone (including me)

Because the giver (the teacher) is not the speaker, they are either giving sweets to the speaker or everyone else within the speaker's inner circle. Here, "the giving" is seen from the receiver's point of view (everyone) as receiving something from the the giver (the teacher). Think of it like "the giving" goes inwards or towards the speaker or anyone including the speaker.

From your point of view, the speaker (Person A), the teacher (Person C) くれた (gave) sweets to everyone (Person B) including yourself (Person A).

If a friend (Person B¹) くれた (gave) sweets, then they would only be giving them to you (Person A) which may or may not include your other friends (Person B²).

It's important to know that depending on the situation, くれる does not necessarily include you, the speaker; in other words, someone else in your social circle was given something but not you.

For example, if the teacher gave sweets to your child, you may say 「先生が息子にお菓子をくれた」 "The teacher gave sweets to my son"; here, your son (息子) is part of your inner circle and the teacher is not because they are not part of your family but the act of giving comes inwards.

If you were to use あげる in this context then it would imply that they are giving to someone else's son but not yours, because あげる expresses that the giving goes outwards. Since this child is part of your inner circle, the giving of sweets to your son would be described by using くれる.

Let's finish this section by looking at it from a different person's perspective. The following example is taken from a game called "Animal Crossing" that takes place when a villager is surprised when you (the player) offers to give them a present:

Here, you are now the listener (Person B) outside of the speaker's personal circle. The villager is now the receiver and speaker (Person A) and it is viewed from their point of view, not yours and since the act of giving "something" goes in towards the villager, they use くれる to express this.

※ The final example sentences was taken from the game どうぶつの森 (Animal Crossing).

Summary of あげる and くれる

Here is a summary of when to use あげる or くれる from the speaker's point of view. Remember that you yourself are not always the speaker. If someone else is the speaker, then the personal circle marked by Person A is them, not you. For that reason, we are using "speaker" instead of "I" or "me" in the chart below that hopefully it won't cause any confusion.

For this purpose, we'll have the speaker's own family marked by Person B to represent their inner circle and non-family such as neighbours' or friends' and so on marked by Person C to represent their outer circle.

Giver	Receiver	Verb
(speaker)	Family + Others	あげる
(speaker)	Family	あげる
(speaker)	Others	あげる
Family	Family	あげる
Family	Others	あげる
Others	Others	あげる
Others	Family	くれる
Others	(speaker)	くれる
Others	Others + (speaker)	くれる
Others	Family + (speaker)	くれる
Family	Family + (speaker)	くれる
Family	(speaker)	くれる

Since only くれる can be used to express that giving or doing something goes towards the speaker, it is clear that when あげる is used, the giver is giving to other people but not the speaker:

1. 先生がお菓子をあげた

   sensei ga okashi o ageta

   The teacher gave sweets to... (anyone other than the speaker)

2. 先生がお菓子をくれた

   sensei ga okashi o kureta

   The teacher gave sweets to... (anyone including the speaker)

Here are some common mistakes:

• 私がみんなにお菓子をくれた

  watashi ga minna ni okashi o kureta

  I gave sweets to everyone

  The speaker cannot use 「くれた」 when they themselves are the one doing the giving.

• 私がみんなにお菓子をあげた

  watashi ga minna ni okashi o ageta

  I gave sweets to everyone

  The use of 「あげた」 is correct because the speaker is giving to someone else.

• 先生が私にお菓子をあげた

  sensei ga watashi ni okashi o ageta

  The teacher gave me sweets

  The speaker cannot use 「あげた」 when they themselves are on the receiving side.

• 先生が私にお菓子をくれた

  sensei ga watashi ni okashi o kureta

  The teacher gave me sweets

  The use of 「くれた」 is correct because the speaker is receiving from someone else.

How to use もらう

The verb もらう means "to receive" and unlike あげる and くれる, there is only one version to think about. With もらう, you don't have to worry too much about the social circles. What is important is the emphasis that is placed on the receiver's side instead of the one doing the giving.

The structure of this grammar is a little different than before. Needless to say, if it's obvious that we are talking about ourselves then there is no need to include 「私が」 unless it really needs to be clarified or emphasised. The same goes for the one on the giving side.

When using もらう, the one doing the giving is marked by either the target particle に or the origin particle から and the one receiving is marked by the subject particle が (or は).

It can be very easy to get tripped up by the に particle in this context because of the focus on "destination" but remember that the subject (が) is the one that does the verb and in this case, looking at the example above, 私 (I) is the one doing the receiving not ゆたさん (Yuta-san).

When we talk about "receiving", に marks the source or giver of the action, not the final destination. In other words, に is expressing the State of Existence. It is where something is, was or will be and when used with the verb もらう, it is marking the target of where the action of "receiving" occurred.

に can also be replaced by から to expresses the source of where something originated. It can be useful to think of に as being the person the receiver makes direct contact with whereas から simply express the source of where something came from.

For example, if you wanted to say something like "I received an award from school", using から would be more appropriate here since we are only stating the source of where the "award" came from.

• 学校から賞をもらった

  gakkou kara shou o moratta

  I received an award from school

• 学校に賞をもらった

  gakkou ni shou o moratta

  I received an award ??? school

In this context, using に is not appropriate. から should be used instead to convey the source rather than a person doing the giving. After all, the location itself cannot actually do the act of giving. Unlike in English, this is targeting the location rather than the people accociated with it.

With に, the focus is usually on who (a person) the giver is, not where (a location) it was received. It doesn't work here because the school is only the source of the award. Using に would not convey that the school was the one that gave the award but where the receiving happened which would also be replaced with the で particle instead.

On the other hand, から can still be used with people, for example 「私がともだちからギフトをもらった」 "I received a gift from my friend", however, this is generally seen as more colloquial and best avoided in formal or written Japanese. Because から is generally "the source" and not "who", it could also imply that the gift you received from your friend was from someone else.

Please remember that に does not actually mean "from" so try not to strictly translate particles between Japanese and English; it is just an interpretation. We'll learn more about から in another lesson.

How not to use もらう

It is important to remember that もらう is seen from the perspective of the receiver, not the giver.

If you are both the giver and speaker, you normally would not say that other people will "receive" or had "received" something from you. While this might reflect the natural way we talk about giving and receiving in English, it is unnatural in Japanese.

• 忍さんが私にもらった

  shinobu-san ga watashi ni moratta

  Shinobu got it from me

While it is still possible to use もらう if you wanted say something like "You (got) that (from me)", saying "Y received X from me" is unnatural and almost never used. You may also replace に with the origin particle から as in 「私からもらう」 to mark the giver as the source of something if you really want to emphasise that "You got it (from me)".

For that reason, you should use あげる when describing the act of giving as it is more natural and it properly describes the action from the giver's perspective, which so happens to be you (the speaker).

• 私が忍さんにあげた

  watashi ga shinobu-san ni ageta

  I gave it to Shinobu

The use of 「もらう」 is only really appropriate when the speaker expresses their gratitude for receiving something from someone else, not when someone else receives something from the speaker.

※ Because of this, notice that if you try to translate 「忍さんが私にもらった」 with a translation engine or deep learning, it'll try to interpret it as "Shinobu gave it to me" which is obvious not what is intended. What it is actually doing is trying to correct the statement which it thinks is wrong and replaces もらう with あげる.

Using …てあげる, …てくれる and …てもらう

あげる, くれる and もらう can be attached to a verb in the て form to create a helping verb indicating that an action is done for the benefit of someone with the implied sense of gratitude.

The concept of these verbs are the same as before but this time with actions instead of things.

— Overview of …てあげる

Whenever you or your social circle wants to do something for someone else, you can use …てあげる as a way of saying "I'll kindly do (this) for you" or "I will do the favour of doing (this) for you", where ("this") is the verb you are doing the favour of. For example:

Here, 「見せてあげる」 more literally means "do the favour of showing". The speaker is expressing that if he manages to catch a Clefairy, he'll do the favour of showing it to the copycat girl since she likes them and it will make her very happy.

If this example were to say 「見せる」 without the use of …てあげる, it would just be a straightforward statement of fact without any additional nuance of doing it for someone else's benefit. In this context, without …てあげる is not as common or natural in spoken Japanese.

While this usage of …てあげる is usually okay when you are talking to someone about doing something for a third party, it can sound rather condescending or even patronising if you use it when talking directly to that person themself.

— Overview of …てくれる

When someone does something for you or your social circle, you can use …てくれる to express your gratitude and show that you are happy with what was or will be done. In the following example, notice the word うち, this is referring to the speaker's social circle, also known as "in-group"; in this case, it's referring to their cat belonging to their family, in other words "our cat" instead of just "my cat".

Here, the use of …てくれる implies that the action of finding and taking care of the cat was done for the benefit of the speaker and they are expressing their thankfulness and appreciation towards you (the listener) for doing this favour for them.

However, be aware that there is certainly a difference between using and not using …てくれる since in some situations, not using it could potentially sound rude. For example:

1. 友達が買い物を手伝った

   tomodachi ga kaimono o tetsudatta

   A friend helped with my shopping

2. 友達が買い物を手伝ってくれた

   tomodachi ga kaimono o tetsudatte kureta

   A friend helped with my shopping

The first sentence does not explicitly express any sense of gratitude or appreciation but simply states the plain fact that a friend helped with the shopping without acknowledging their efforts or favour of helping out. This might come across as rude or impolite.

The second sentence uses …てくれる to express that the speaker was happy and appreciated their friend for helping out. This is more common than the first sentence and it sounds a lot more natural too. After all, acknowledging the efforts and favours of others is an important aspect of Japanese culture.

— Overview of …てもらう

When someone does something for you or someone else, whether they do so voluntarily or are asked to do something for someone, you can use …てもらう to show your gratitude of "receiving the favour". The main focus is now on the one receiving the favour instead of the one doing it.

1. 友達に日本語を教えてもらった

   tomodachi ni nihongo o oshiete moratta

   A friend taught (me) Japanese

   I received the favour of teaching Japanese from a friend

Here, it is emphasised that "I" will be the one to receive the teaching, with "a friend" being the one who will do the teaching as a kind favour.

The use of …てもらう places more focus on the one receiving the favour, which would be "me" and I am showing my appreciation and gratitude of them doing this for me; the use of …てあげる on the other hand would place more focus on the giver (in this case, "a friend") and they would be doing it for my benefit making it more centred on the giver's action rather than the one receiving it.

Due to different nuances that …てもらう has, it is common to hear it being used when a favour is done as a request on behalf of the speaker. In the following example, the speaker is making the request for their companion, Jibanyan, to fight with Donyorinu for them.

How not to use …てもらう

It is important to remember that …てもらう is seen from the perspective of the receiver, not the giver.

While you may say something like "She was taught Japanese by me" in English, you cannot do this in Japanese using …てもらう since the focus is on the receiver and them receiving something that makes them happy. Other people generally do not "receive" from you, they are only "given" from you.

1. 忍さんが私に日本語を教えてもらった

   shinobu-san ga watashi ni nihongo o oshiete moratta

   Shinobu was taught Japanese by me

   Shinobu received the favour of teaching Japanese from me

In Japanese, there is no expression for when someone else benefits from the speaker when receiving. It simply cannot be expressed and it is never considered. Because of this, the above example sounds very unnatural when …てもらう is used.

Instead, it should be rephrased as a straightforward statement or an expression that you (the speaker) did it for the benefit of someone else (Shinobu):

1. 忍さんに日本語を教えた

   shinobu-san ni nihongo o oshieta

   I taught Japanese to Shinobu

2. 忍さんに日本語を教えてあげた

   shinobu-san ni nihongo o oshiete ageta

   I did the favour of teaching Japanese to Shinobu

※ Notice that if you try to translate 「忍さんが私に日本語を教えてもらった」 with a translation engine or deep learning, it'll try to interpret it as "Shinobu taught me Japanese" which is obvious not what is intended. This is because it gets confused by the viewpoints and tries to reinterpret what it thinks you actually meant to say.

Careful using …てあげる

Please be careful when using てあげる as this can sound very condescending and for that reason, it isn't used as much as the other two, for example:

In the example above, てあげる implies that the speaker is doing a favour of going together for the benefit of the listener but depending on the context, this could be interpreted two different ways:

If your friend indicated that they wanted to go see a movie and that it would be nice if they had a friend to go with them, you may reply by saying 「一緒に行ってあげる」 to express your act of kindness and offering the favour of going with them. This is perfectly fine.

On the other hand, if they were intending to go somewhere by themselves or with someone else, it could suggest that they are incapable of going somewhere alone or that they need help as if you are looking down on them. Here, it is implying that you are doing something for the benefit of your friend, without them even asking you to nor indicating that they would like you to go with them.

Because this can create a condescending tone that can make the listener feel as if they are being treated as inferior, you should not use てあげる with those who are in higher status than you. Instead it should be rephrased to simply offer to do something without implying any sense of superiority or favour.

For example, let's say you are with your boss (or someone else in higher status) and thought it might be a good idea to offer to make some tea for them, it would be best to ask "Shall I make some tea?" rather than "I will make you some tea" since it can sound like you are the one in a higher position than them or even make the assumption that they cannot do it themselves and need the assistance.

• お茶を入れましょうか

  ocha o iremashou ka

  Shall I make some tea?

• お茶を入れてあげます

  ocha o ireteagemasu

  I will do the favour of making tea for you

While using てあげる may still be okay towards those in lower status or people you are very close to, there are still many other situations that would be very inappropriate to use it.

For example, "I'll give you back the money I borrowed"; this is an obligation, not a favour so using てあげる here would sound very rude. It would be like saying "I'll do the favour of giving back the money I borrowed". Even in English, this doesn't sound very nice.

Here are some more example in which you should not use てあげる. Hopefully, this will give you an idea as to when not to use it:

Asking for favours

When asking for favours, you can use either くれる or the potential form of もらう (can I receive the favour of). However, あげる cannot be used, since favours in this context are done for the speaker.

— Using くれる

When using くれる, you are focusing more on the act of giving that the other person will do for you; this makes the request sound a little more direct and more casual. A literal translation of the example below would be "Will you do the favour of helping me?".

You may consider using the negative form くれない, if you want to make the request sound a little more softer and polite. It is kind of like saying "Will you not do the favour of coming with me?" in English.

— Using もらえる

Here, もらえる is the potential form of もらう meaning "Can I receive the favour of". We will cover more about the potential form in a later lesson but for now, let's focus on もらえる.

The focus now is more on the possibility of receiving the favour rather than directly focusing on the favour the other person will do for you. This makes the request less direct and being indirect in Japanese makes what you say naturally more polite.

If you want to make this even more polite and softer, you can use the negative form もらえません. Kind of like saying "Can I not receive the favour of you coming with me?".

Regardless of whether you use くれる or もらえる, the meaning in English is largely the same. The main difference here is in the politeness levels, with くれる being direct and casual whereas もらえる is indirect and more formal sounding.

— Asking someone to not do something

(+ the following is a softer way to say Do Not / Will you give me the favour of not making assumptions)

To tell someone not to do something, change the verb into the casual present negative tense (also known as the ない form) and add で to the end (Base 1 + ないで). For more information about this, check out the lessons about the Command Form and Verb Tenses as a reminder.

Notice that the main verb itself is in the negative form and not くれる; the literal meaning is now "Will you do the favour of not making assumptions".

It is possible to make this even more softer and polite by using the negative forms of くれる and もらう too. for example, adding 「ないでくれない?」 or 「ないでもらえませんか?」 to say something like "Could you not do the favour of not making assumptions?". This may sound too polite, though. It may also sound odd in English so try not to think too much into it.

More ways to express giving and receiving

So far, we've seen the use of くれる, あげる and もらう but there are other versions of these that reflect different levels of politeness. The polite forms are less common but we are covering them now so you can recognise them if you ever come across them.

— あげる vs やる vs 差し上げる

あげる traditionally is used when speaking to others of same or higher status than you and やる for those of lower status but you will find that あげる is now the most common way of saying "to give (someone)" to those lower than you despite not being as casual as やる.

Generally, やる is used when talking to very young children or animals. If used with any other person, it can sound patronising, as if the one you are speaking to are way below your social standing.

However, やる has become quite common among friends, though it can still sound slightly rough:

In this example, the speaker is being very casual with their rival and by using やる, this trainer is also exerting a level of authority since it carries that nuance of speaking to someone in a lower social standing; in this case, they are talking to their rival (you) who is a beginner, just starting out.

This can still sound rude in the fact that the speaker is taking charge and showing off their knowledge and skills for the benefit of the listener, who they assume does not know anything yet; this is also implied through the use of the sentence ending particle よ.

Since the use of あげる is used a lot more in casual speech now, you might find 差し上げる (さしあげる) being used in more formal situations or in traditional TV dramas and such. It is not very common. 差し上げる is known as Humble Language (けんじょうご).

— くれる vs くださいます

Similarly, くれる can be replaced with the more humble and formal form of くださる when speaking to those in higher social standing. It may also be seen as くださいます in the polite form.

In the following example, the speaker is talking to someone they respect and probably holds in high regard. It is very likely that they want to express extra gratitude because receiving a birthday cupcake is seen as a very special gesture to them.

— もらう vs いただく

もらう already sounds quite polite but to make this slightly more polite and humble, いただく can be used. もらう can still be used for those in a higher position so do not worry about the formality too much.

いただく as is, is not at all much more polite than saying もらう, it is just more humble; to make this more polite, it needs to be conjugated into the ます form to become いただきます.

Interestingly, you may have already heard 「いただきます」 said before or after a meal and while many sources may claim the phrase to be untranslatable in English, it actually just means "I humbly receive". It comes from the Buddhist teaching which tells us to respect all living things.

Before or after eating, it expresses gratitude towards the plants, animals, farmers and everyone involved in the process and everything that went into providing and making the food.

うち and そと

Being part of a social group is important in Japanese culture and can affect how spoken language is used depending on the context of these groups. As discussed in this lesson, we have two main groups, the Social Group (inner circle) and Others (outer circle).

Here, うち is your in-group, those inside your social circle (inner circle) and refers to people such as your family, your friends, your classmates, your colleagues or any other group of people that you are a part of in a given situation.

With そと, this is your out-group, those who are outside of your social circle which can refer to anyone like people outside your family, outside your company (customers, staff of another company etc.) and such.

Unlike the West where the interests of individual people are more important than society as a whole, the Japanese, like most of the East, are collectivists meaning that they prioritise the values and beliefs of groups or communities over individual interests.

This means that being part of a group is most important in Japanese culture, valuing generosity, respect and gratitude rather than the conflicts and selfish interests of someone who is not part of any group and only thinks of themselves.

Your うち (in-group) can be any size, whether that's a small number of friends to everyone that represents your entire country; think of your うち as being "us" or "my" and your そと as being "them" or "their". As an example, check out the table below:

— Social Formality

When speaking to your うち, you can use normal casual language; these are people you have a close relationship with, such as family and friends.

Even though your boss or teacher may be part of your うち, you will usually set distance in relationship by using polite language (けいご) to show respect towards them since they are in a higher social standing.

When speaking to those in the そと group (e.g strangers), you would use polite language (けいご). We have already covered many polite words and grammar which include the lessons about using です and using verbs with the ます form.

You will mostly only hear the more humble and honorific language like 差し上げる, くださる and いただく when a company is speaking to a customer or when you speak to someone of a much more higher social standing then yourself. Sometimes, it may be used to just show a higher level of respect and humility, even if they are a close friend, though this can create some distance between the both of you.

The Japanese language is divided into three different groups, polite, humble and honorific but we will cover more about this in a later lesson when more words and grammar is understood to better explain these forms as it can get quite complicated otherwise.

Unless you want to work in Japan or interact in a business setting, you do not need to bother or worry too much about the more polite forms. Casual and normal polite language is the most you will need for now.

Additional Notes

• くれる is used when someone gives something to you or your social circle from the outside.
• あげる is used when you or your social circle give something to someone from the outside.
• もらう is used when it is seen from the receivers perspective.

• …てくれる implies that something is done for the benefit of the speaker by someone else.
• …てあげる implies that something is done by the speaker for the benefit of someone else.
• …てもらう implies that something is done by someone for the benefit of the receiver.

• もらう and …てもらう should not be used when the speaker is the giver.
• …てあげる can be impolite and may even sound rude or condescending when speaking directly to the receiver themselves.
• When asking for a favour, くれる is direct and more like expecting someone to do you a favour, while using もらえる is indirectly asking if it is possible that the other person will do the favour.

Related Lessons and References

Here is a list of other pages as a reference of what else you may be interested in reading: